About this series: The journey to self-care is a 5-part blog series from Latika. We created it after years of conversations with customers about what helps, and what gets in the way. Each part is short. Each builds on the last. For the full story, start at part 1.
Part 5: The change becomes who you are
In part 4, you looked at the moments in your day that could be upgraded. A hand-wash that becomes a small ritual. A shower that becomes a breath. A drive that belongs to you for fifteen minutes.
This part is about what happens after you do that a few times. After the first upgrade. After the second. After the hand-wash has been a moment for a week, then a month, then long enough that you stop remembering the version before.
Doing becomes being
There is a quiet shift that happens with any practice that sticks. At first, you are doing a thing. You remind yourself. You think about it. It takes effort.
After a while, something changes. You stop thinking about it. It happens. You reach for the soap you like, and the lotion after, without deciding to.
At that point, you are no longer doing self-care. You are someone who cares for herself.
The science behind the change
James Clear, writing in Atomic Habits, describes this as identity-based change. Lasting behavior change, he argues, follows a gradual revision of who you understand yourself to be. The day you stop thinking of yourself as someone trying to take care of herself, and begin to think of yourself as someone who does, is the day the change becomes permanent.
Behavioral psychologist James Prochaska, whose stages-of-change model we touched on earlier in the journey, calls this phase maintenance. The stage where you are no longer actively trying to change. The change has become the default.
Research on habit formation suggests this state is what separates a self-improvement attempt that lasts a few weeks from one that lasts.
What it looks like
Small signs start to show up.
You notice your hand-washing is a moment, without telling anyone it's a moment. You default to the shower steamer without thinking. The things you used to need background noise for (a podcast, the radio) can be done quietly now. You are enjoying the quiet. You catch yourself saying no to something before the guilt can kick in.
None of these is dramatic. None requires effort. They are what it looks like when care has become part of your day.
What this isn't
It isn't perfect. You will still have afternoons when you forget. Weeks where the old pattern creeps back. Days when the priority list runs through your head, and your name is back at the bottom.
That is part of it. The maintenance phase is not a fixed arrival. It is a way of being that flexes with the day.
What's different now is that you know what to do. You know what you like. You know where your small rituals live. The muscle is built. When you need to return to it, you will.
What comes after the journey
This is the last part of the series, but it is not the last of the work. The work now is the small daily return.
We are here for as long as you want us along. If you'd like a shorter version of all five parts to keep, the booklet is available for download. If you want a gentle reminder in your day, the daily text drip is a soft nudge at the same time each evening. Our newsletter carries a new upgrade idea every week or so, from women who are doing this in their actual lives.
Thank you for walking this with us. Your name belongs on your own priority list. Now it's there. [Links to parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 ]
Sources and further reading
- Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery. jamesclear.com
- Prochaska, J.O. & DiClemente, C.C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking: Toward an integrative model of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390-395. NIH StatPearls overview · Wikipedia: Transtheoretical Model
- Fogg, B.J. (2019). Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. tinyhabits.com
- Ryan, R.M. & Deci, E.L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78. Self-determination theory resource hub
